Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same things.
You don’t owe your abuser anything and often reconciliation with an abuser can be dangerous. Everyone’s healing will be different and is framed by their unique violating experience and life conditions.
Forgiveness is a personal choice that belongs solely to the victim. The victim may choose to forgive the abuser publicly or privately yet never reconcile in any meaningful way.
When someone has shown no sign of repentance or has not made an effort to make amends for the hurt they’ve caused, requiring one to forgive is an abusive tactic that is often part of a strategy to mitigate the violation enacted by the abuser. It is damaging to expect yourself (or others to expect you) to forgive out of obligation, pressure, or automaticity.
Research has shown that forgiveness can aid in the overall health of a survivor. However, this can be done without ever publicly or privately declaring your position. It is important to understand that forgiving someone does not undo the harm that was done, nor does it relieve the incurred consequences of their abusive actions.
Fortune, M. (n.d.). The role of forgiveness & reconciliation. Survivors Awaken the Church. Retrieved from www.survivorsawakenthechurch.com
Held Evans, R. (2014, December 28). On forgiveness and abuse. Rachel Held Evans. Retrieved from www.rachelheldevans.com
Weir, K. (2017, January). Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health: Research shows how to get there. Monitor on Psychology. Retrieved from www.apa.org